Wednesday, December 28, 2011

What's for Dinner?

Garfield: She's dumping it in the toilet...


Zed: I was not done with it!

*Runs downstairs to the bathroom where Mommy is cleaning their food bowl*

Zed: *Peers into the toilet* What the hell woman?!! I was not done with my food! I was saving it for a for right now!

Zed: *Paces over the kibble bowl* Look here, LOOK HERE!!!! Do you see anything?

Mommy: What's up Zedo?


Mommy: Drink some water.

Zed: *Sputters with rage* WATER??!! Is that the best you can offer.

Garfield silently pads over to the bathroom door, watching the whole encounter.

Zed: *Jumps up on the bathtub rim, and scowls at mommy* I demand a steak and mashed potatoes for dinner. I think I deserve a good meal too! We didn't even get anything for Christmas!

Garfield: Hey, tell her I would like some crescent rolls too.

Zed: So what are you going to do??? Just stand there with your back to me and not say anything?

*Mommy opens a couple cans of cat food and replenishes their clean food bowl*

Zed: Cat food again? I am tired of .... mmmm... nom nom nom....

*Mommy pets Zed*

Zed: Purrr.....nom nom nom... Fine, I'll have the steak and potatoes tomorrow nite. And don't you forget it, woman...

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Christmas Stockings

*Tall Dude is removing the paneling under the stoop to get to the Christmas decorations.*

Garfield: What the hell??!! They’re tearing up the house! Huh? A secret closet?

Vito: Yay! They’re bringing out the Christmas decorations again!

Zed: *yawn* woo…hoo…

Tall Dude: Get out of there Garfield!!!

Garfield: But I wanna see what’s in here!

Mommy: Hand that tote over to me, I think that’s where the stockings are.

Vito: Huh? Why does Zed’s stocking look like a mitten?

Zed: Because I am not a conformist.

Garfield: Because you’re a freak and have an extra thumb! Hahaha! Awesome!

*Mommy starts hanging the stockings on the ledge.*

Garfield: *sniffs the stockings* errr…so what are these for?

Vito: On Christmas eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and stuffs the stockings with toys and gifts!

Zed: Santa Claus is not real…and we do not have a chimney…

Garfield: Really?? Toys and gifts?

Zed: No, YOU get coals in your stockings coz you have just been a pain in the butt all year round.

Vito: I want Bling! For Christmas…or maybe some booties, it can get really cold outside.

Zed: I want those automatic treat dispensers.

Garfield: I can just see that dispenser going non-stop and Zed laying right beside it scarfing every single treat. HAHAHA!

Vito: What do you want for Christmas, Garfield?

*Garfield jumps up the ledge and knocks off all the stockings except his*

Everyone: GARFIELD!!!!

Garfield: I figured, if Santa comes and sees only one stocking, he’ll stuff everything in there, all for me mwahahaha!


Sunday, June 27, 2010


A quiet afternoon, Garfield lounging on top of the refrigerator staring out the window; Vito asleep lying on his back, paws sticking up; and Zed having an afternoon kibble snack, until…


Garfield: (*gets startled and falls off the top of the refrigerator*) Yeeeow! Oh for fucks sake Vito! What are you barking at now?

Vito: (*growls*) I thought I heard something…

Garfield: (*rolls eyes*) You’re so frickin’ paranoid, man. That was just Zed’s belly digesting the tons of kibble he just devoured.

Zed: (*stops licking paw and flipped Garfield his middle digit. Remember he has extra thumbs*) Ha……ha……ha……

Vito: WOOF!! WOOF!! WOOF!! WOOF!! WOOF!! I heard it again!!!

Garfield: (*sigh*) This dude needs to be de-barked.

Vito: Yeah? Well you need to be de-clawed. You’ve scratched the hell out of the door jambs.

Zed: Kinda like when he got de-nutted?

Vito: De-what-ed?

Zed: You know, when they chopped his nuts off, he get de-nutted. Hehehe…

Garfield: Wow, Zed, you finally have a sense of humor? Well, Zed needs to be de-matted. Dude! You gotta clean yourself more often!

Zed: Hey man, I try. There’s only that one spot on my back that I can’t reach.

Garfield: Because you also need to be de-fatted so you can reach behind that big ass of yours.

Zed: (*sucks tummy in, chest out, tail straight up*) I’m not fat, I’m just poofy.

Garfield: Then you need to be de-poofed too.

Vito: No, I need to be de-pooped and de-peed soon. Wonder what time Daddy will come home?

Garfield: Don’t you wish you had a litter box like we do? Very convenient.

Vito: I did, but they took it away because I started eating the pellets. (*giggles*)

Zed: (*tummy rumbles, starting to look a little green*) I don’t feel too well…(*runs to the litter box*)

Vito: WOOF!! WOOF!! WOOF!! So it really WAS your tummy I was hearing!

Garfield: HAHAHAHAH!!! He’s going to de-shit himself because of all that kibble he ate.

Zed: (*evil eye at Garfield*) And you’re going to be de-lifed when I am done here…

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Global Warming Discussion

Garfield: *looking out the window* Damn! Why do we still have a lot of snow outside?

Vito: Yeah I know. I think it’s because of global warming.

Garfield: That’s kinda ironic when it’s still freaking cold outside.

Vito: *thinks hard* …hmmmm…dunno..

Garfield: Where’s Zed?

Vito: In the bedroom. I betcha, fatty is sprawled out on Mommy and Daddy’s bed, belly sticking up.

Zed: *lazily saunters in the kitchen* …WAS on the bed. And for your information, I am not fat.

Garfield: What? Just poofy? Hahahha

Zed: I was going to say, those are “love handles”.

Garfield: Lovely MASSIVE handles there, I should say.

Zed: *flips Garfield off*

Vito: hahahaha!!!

Zed: So what’s this I hear about some global warming shit?

Vito: I told Garfield the reason it’s still cold is because of global warming.

Garfield: Listen to yourself, that doesn’t make sense. Cold and warm do not go together.

Vito: Sure does! Ever heard of Fried Ice Cream?

Garfield: Fried what???

Vito: Gotcha!

Zed: Just cut the crap guys. Bottom line: nobody really knows for sure.

Vito: You think the world is ending?

Garfield: Like the movie “2010”?

Vito: It's "2012" stupid...

Zed: That’s some scary shit, that movie.

Vito: *whining* Could happen. All these earthquakes…

Garfield: …And blizzards…*swishes tail wildly*

Zed: *walks over to the water bowl for a drink* You shouldn’t worry your little furry butts about that. Nothing you can do about it. If it happens, it happens. You know what I think, maybe some warm milk would be good instead of plain ol’ H-2-Oh….

Garfield: Is food all you think about?

Zed: Yeah, I’m a cat.


Vito: What was that?!

Garfield: OOOuuuwwww….I sneezed and hit my face on the window.

Zed: HAHAHA! Yes you did. I can see your snot spray on the glass too…

Vito: Eeeewww…gross…

Garfield: Shut up! Damn, that hurts…*licks nose*

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Winter Fashion

Zed: Are you shitting me? BWAHAHAHAH!!!

Garfield: Holy crap!!! Why Vito?

Vito: I know, right. IT’S HORRIBLE!!! Waaaaahhhhh!!!

Zed: It was bound to happen. A couple with no kids; they turn their attention to their pets. *trying to catch breath from laughing*

Vito: I AM their KID too, and so are you guys.

Garfield: Yup, but you’re her favorite, which I am not really envious of right now, especially when it comes to playing dress-up. Hahahaha..*rolls over laughing so hard*

Zed: Dude, the color blue makes your….err…fur stand out..?? BWAAHAHAHHAH!!!!

Vito: But I would have preferred Pink ….*pouts as he lays down on his bed*

Garfield: Ah shit! Head’s up Zed, look, mommy’s got the santa hat in her hand. I’m out of here…*scampers away to hide in Tall Dude’s closet*

Zed: F*ck me, not the santa hat again! Garfield, hold up!!! *runs after Garfield*

Saturday, December 19, 2009

2009 Christmas Newsletter (uneditted version)

Zed: *singing* Sleigh bells ring, are you listening…

Vito: *sings along*…in the lane, snow is glistening…

Garfield: Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock!

Zed: what the f---? You had to be different, huh?

Garfield: I was thinking a Christmas medley.

Vito: *still singing*… A beautiful sight, we’re happy tonight, walking in a winter wonderland…

Zed: Hey, so since we didn’t get to do stuff this year, I think we need to come up with a plan of activities for next year.

Vito: Fun! Count me in!

Garfield: I don't want to plan any vacation with you. I'll probably end up sitting in a spa getting my claws painted and buffed if you could get away with it.

Vito: I know it's kinda hard for some people to be civilized. The urge to scratch on some wooden post is kinda...boorish...

Garfield: Do you even know what boorish means?

Vito: I do, do you?

Zed: Cut it out you two! Come on, gimme some ideas...

Garfield: Okay, write this down Zed, since you’re the one with the extra thumbs: Activity 1: Eat, Activity 2: Sleep, Activity 3: Use litter box, Activity 4: Annoy Tall Dude, Activity 5: Annoy Vito…wait, make Activity 5 number 1.

Zed: Du’h! Not those kinds of activities! Something like what Tall Dude and Mommy did this year.

Vito: It’s Daddy, not Tall Dude. Right, I remember them going to Tampa, Florida for Daddy’s graduation. He was a Cum Laude!

Garfield: Oh, those kinds of activities... Man, I would love to lay on the beach and watch the waves and surf a little. The pictures Mommy took of Treasure Island were beautiful!!!

Zed: Water and cats don’t mix. Remember that. Though I wouldn't mind watching the other kind of "waves" *dreamy grin on his face*

Vito: What other kind of waves?

Garfield: The kind that wears a two-piece bikini.

Zed: Is that why they call it cat calls?

Vito: *confused look* Whatver...I wish I could travel more…*sigh*

Zed: Hey, quit whining. You get to go on road trips with them. Like when Tall Dude’s brother got married. Did you get to go to the wedding? I heard it was a beautiful wedding.

Vito: Nah. They locked me up in the bedroom. Mommy was a bridesmaid and Daddy was the best man. I could have been a junior bridesmaid! *pouting*

Zed: *rolls his eyes*

Garfield: What about when you guys went to Mountainfest? Did you get to ride with Tall Dude on his motorcycle?

Vito: Nah. They locked me up in the bedroom too. Though I was with them when they went to the Baker reunion. Tall Dude got to ride with his brother Tim, cousin Danny, and uncle Dan. Maybe, if he installs a side car, then I’d get to ride too.

Garfield: That won’t happen. You’re more likely to be packed in a backpack, hahahaha!

Vito: What else did they do this year? Oh yeah! Mommy’s cousins and aunt from Canada came to visit and she went with them to the National Air and Space Museum.

Zed: That’s all good. But we still don’t have OUR plan of activities..??

Garfield: I do! Like I said, Activity 1: Annoy Vito, Activity 2: Eat, Activity 3: Sleep, Activity 4: Use the litter box, Activity 5: Annoy Tall Dude...

Vito: *starts singing* Santa Baby, just slip a sable under the tree, for me…

Zed: *ugh* you guys are fucking hopeless…

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Wake Up Call

Garfield: Now?

Zed: Not yet, one more minute…

Garfield: What about now?

*Zed smacks Garfield upside the head *

Garfield: Ouwww…

Zed: steady….steady………..NOW!!! (*alarm clock turns 6:00 am*)

*Zed jumps on the bed and crawls on Tall Dude’s chest*

Zed: C’mon Tall Dude. This is your purr machine wake up call. Time to rise and shine and FEED ME!!! *puurrrrrrrr*

Tall Dude: mmmmmfffffff….Get off me Zed….

Garfield: Want to get them out of bed? Watch this…

*Garfield starts clawing the bathroom door open*

Mommy and Tall Dude: GARFIELD!!! NO!!!

Garfield: *once inside* …and I do a little toilet paper shredding like this…..

*Mommy jumps out of bed, grabs the spray bottle, sprays Garfield, scruffs him, and throws him out of the bedroom. SLAM!*

Vito: Woof! Woof! Woof! Huh?! What just happened? *yaaaaaawn* Dammit Garfield!

Garfield: *sounding muffled behind the door* See! That’s how you get them out of bed…

Zed: …and get your ass sprayed and thrown out…

Vito: *sleepily* …and get your morning shower all at the same time…wow, you’re such a dork Garfield…

Garfield: hello? Can I come in now? Please??? *scratches at the door knob*

Mommy and Tall Dude: GARFIELD!!! NO!!!

Zed: Kid’s got a lot to learn… sigh*