Christmas Stockings

*Tall Dude is removing the paneling under the stoop to get to the Christmas decorations.*

Garfield: What the hell??!! They’re tearing up the house! Huh? A secret closet?

Vito: Yay! They’re bringing out the Christmas decorations again!

Zed: *yawn* woo…hoo…

Tall Dude: Get out of there Garfield!!!

Garfield: But I wanna see what’s in here!

Mommy: Hand that tote over to me, I think that’s where the stockings are.

Vito: Huh? Why does Zed’s stocking look like a mitten?

Zed: Because I am not a conformist.

Garfield: Because you’re a freak and have an extra thumb! Hahaha! Awesome!

*Mommy starts hanging the stockings on the ledge.*

Garfield: *sniffs the stockings* errr…so what are these for?

Vito: On Christmas eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and stuffs the stockings with toys and gifts!

Zed: Santa Claus is not real…and we do not have a chimney…

Garfield: Really?? Toys and gifts?

Zed: No, YOU get coals in your stockings coz you have just been a pain in the butt all year round.

Vito: I want Bling! For Christmas…or maybe some booties, it can get really cold outside.

Zed: I want those automatic treat dispensers.

Garfield: I can just see that dispenser going non-stop and Zed laying right beside it scarfing every single treat. HAHAHA!

Vito: What do you want for Christmas, Garfield?

*Garfield jumps up the ledge and knocks off all the stockings except his*

Everyone: GARFIELD!!!!

Garfield: I figured, if Santa comes and sees only one stocking, he’ll stuff everything in there, all for me mwahahaha!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!

Terminologies

A quiet afternoon, Garfield lounging on top of the refrigerator staring out the window; Vito asleep lying on his back, paws sticking up; and Zed having an afternoon kibble snack, until…

Vito: WOOF!! WOOF!! WOOF!! WOOF!! WOOF!!

Garfield: (*gets startled and falls off the top of the refrigerator*) Yeeeow! Oh for fucks sake Vito! What are you barking at now?

Vito: (*growls*) I thought I heard something…

Garfield: (*rolls eyes*) You’re so frickin’ paranoid, man. That was just Zed’s belly digesting the tons of kibble he just devoured.

Zed: (*stops licking paw and flipped Garfield his middle digit. Remember he has extra thumbs*) Ha……ha……ha……

Vito: WOOF!! WOOF!! WOOF!! WOOF!! WOOF!! I heard it again!!!

Garfield: (*sigh*) This dude needs to be de-barked.

Vito: Yeah? Well you need to be de-clawed. You’ve scratched the hell out of the door jambs.

Zed: Kinda like when he got de-nutted?

Vito: De-what-ed?

Zed: You know, when they chopped his nuts off, he get de-nutted. Hehehe…

Garfield: Wow, Zed, you finally have a sense of humor? Well, Zed needs to be de-matted. Dude! You gotta clean yourself more often!

Zed: Hey man, I try. There’s only that one spot on my back that I can’t reach.

Garfield: Because you also need to be de-fatted so you can reach behind that big ass of yours.

Zed: (*sucks tummy in, chest out, tail straight up*) I’m not fat, I’m just poofy.

Garfield: Then you need to be de-poofed too.

Vito: No, I need to be de-pooped and de-peed soon. Wonder what time Daddy will come home?

Garfield: Don’t you wish you had a litter box like we do? Very convenient.

Vito: I did, but they took it away because I started eating the pellets. (*giggles*)

Zed: (*tummy rumbles, starting to look a little green*) I don’t feel too well…(*runs to the litter box*)

Vito: WOOF!! WOOF!! WOOF!! So it really WAS your tummy I was hearing!

Garfield: HAHAHAHAH!!! He’s going to de-shit himself because of all that kibble he ate.

Zed: (*evil eye at Garfield*) And you’re going to be de-lifed when I am done here…

Global Warming Discussion

Garfield: *looking out the window* Damn! Why do we still have a lot of snow outside?

Vito: Yeah I know. I think it’s because of global warming.

Garfield: That’s kinda ironic when it’s still freaking cold outside.

Vito: *thinks hard* …hmmmm…dunno..

Garfield: Where’s Zed?

Vito: In the bedroom. I betcha, fatty is sprawled out on Mommy and Daddy’s bed, belly sticking up.

Zed: *lazily saunters in the kitchen* …WAS on the bed. And for your information, I am not fat.

Garfield: What? Just poofy? Hahahha

Zed: I was going to say, those are “love handles”.

Garfield: Lovely MASSIVE handles there, I should say.

Zed: *flips Garfield off*

Vito: hahahaha!!!

Zed: So what’s this I hear about some global warming shit?

Vito: I told Garfield the reason it’s still cold is because of global warming.

Garfield: Listen to yourself, that doesn’t make sense. Cold and warm do not go together.

Vito: Sure does! Ever heard of Fried Ice Cream?

Garfield: Fried what???

Vito: Gotcha!

Zed: Just cut the crap guys. Bottom line: nobody really knows for sure.

Vito: You think the world is ending?

Garfield: Like the movie “2010”?

Vito: It's "2012" stupid...

Zed: That’s some scary shit, that movie.

Vito: *whining* Could happen. All these earthquakes…

Garfield: …And blizzards…*swishes tail wildly*

Zed: *walks over to the water bowl for a drink* You shouldn’t worry your little furry butts about that. Nothing you can do about it. If it happens, it happens. You know what I think, maybe some warm milk would be good instead of plain ol’ H-2-Oh….

Garfield: Is food all you think about?

Zed: Yeah, I’m a cat.

*ACHOOOO! *THUNK!*

Vito: What was that?!

Garfield: OOOuuuwwww….I sneezed and hit my face on the window.

Zed: HAHAHA! Yes you did. I can see your snot spray on the glass too…

Vito: Eeeewww…gross…

Garfield: Shut up! Damn, that hurts…*licks nose*

Winter Fashion

Zed: Are you shitting me? BWAHAHAHAH!!!

Garfield: Holy crap!!! Why Vito?

Vito: I know, right. IT’S HORRIBLE!!! Waaaaahhhhh!!!

Zed: It was bound to happen. A couple with no kids; they turn their attention to their pets. *trying to catch breath from laughing*

Vito: I AM their KID too, and so are you guys.

Garfield: Yup, but you’re her favorite, which I am not really envious of right now, especially when it comes to playing dress-up. Hahahaha..*rolls over laughing so hard*

Zed: Dude, the color blue makes your….err…fur stand out..?? BWAAHAHAHHAH!!!!

Vito: But I would have preferred Pink ….*pouts as he lays down on his bed*

Garfield: Ah shit! Head’s up Zed, look, mommy’s got the santa hat in her hand. I’m out of here…*scampers away to hide in Tall Dude’s closet*

Zed: F*ck me, not the santa hat again! Garfield, hold up!!! *runs after Garfield*