2009 Christmas Newsletter (uneditted version)

Zed: *singing* Sleigh bells ring, are you listening…

Vito: *sings along*…in the lane, snow is glistening…

Garfield: Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock!

Zed: what the f---? You had to be different, huh?

Garfield: I was thinking a Christmas medley.

Vito: *still singing*… A beautiful sight, we’re happy tonight, walking in a winter wonderland…

Zed: Hey, so since we didn’t get to do stuff this year, I think we need to come up with a plan of activities for next year.

Vito: Fun! Count me in!

Garfield: I don't want to plan any vacation with you. I'll probably end up sitting in a spa getting my claws painted and buffed if you could get away with it.

Vito: I know it's kinda hard for some people to be civilized. The urge to scratch on some wooden post is kinda...boorish...

Garfield: Do you even know what boorish means?

Vito: I do, do you?

Zed: Cut it out you two! Come on, gimme some ideas...

Garfield: Okay, write this down Zed, since you’re the one with the extra thumbs: Activity 1: Eat, Activity 2: Sleep, Activity 3: Use litter box, Activity 4: Annoy Tall Dude, Activity 5: Annoy Vito…wait, make Activity 5 number 1.

Zed: Du’h! Not those kinds of activities! Something like what Tall Dude and Mommy did this year.

Vito: It’s Daddy, not Tall Dude. Right, I remember them going to Tampa, Florida for Daddy’s graduation. He was a Cum Laude!

Garfield: Oh, those kinds of activities... Man, I would love to lay on the beach and watch the waves and surf a little. The pictures Mommy took of Treasure Island were beautiful!!!

Zed: Water and cats don’t mix. Remember that. Though I wouldn't mind watching the other kind of "waves" *dreamy grin on his face*

Vito: What other kind of waves?

Garfield: The kind that wears a two-piece bikini.

Zed: Is that why they call it cat calls?

Vito: *confused look* Whatver...I wish I could travel more…*sigh*

Zed: Hey, quit whining. You get to go on road trips with them. Like when Tall Dude’s brother got married. Did you get to go to the wedding? I heard it was a beautiful wedding.

Vito: Nah. They locked me up in the bedroom. Mommy was a bridesmaid and Daddy was the best man. I could have been a junior bridesmaid! *pouting*

Zed: *rolls his eyes*

Garfield: What about when you guys went to Mountainfest? Did you get to ride with Tall Dude on his motorcycle?

Vito: Nah. They locked me up in the bedroom too. Though I was with them when they went to the Baker reunion. Tall Dude got to ride with his brother Tim, cousin Danny, and uncle Dan. Maybe, if he installs a side car, then I’d get to ride too.

Garfield: That won’t happen. You’re more likely to be packed in a backpack, hahahaha!

Vito: What else did they do this year? Oh yeah! Mommy’s cousins and aunt from Canada came to visit and she went with them to the National Air and Space Museum.

Zed: That’s all good. But we still don’t have OUR plan of activities..??

Garfield: I do! Like I said, Activity 1: Annoy Vito, Activity 2: Eat, Activity 3: Sleep, Activity 4: Use the litter box, Activity 5: Annoy Tall Dude...

Vito: *starts singing* Santa Baby, just slip a sable under the tree, for me…

Zed: *ugh* you guys are fucking hopeless…

Wake Up Call

Garfield: Now?

Zed: Not yet, one more minute…

Garfield: What about now?

*Zed smacks Garfield upside the head *

Garfield: Ouwww…

Zed: steady….steady………..NOW!!! (*alarm clock turns 6:00 am*)

*Zed jumps on the bed and crawls on Tall Dude’s chest*

Zed: C’mon Tall Dude. This is your purr machine wake up call. Time to rise and shine and FEED ME!!! *puurrrrrrrr*

Tall Dude: mmmmmfffffff….Get off me Zed….

Garfield: Want to get them out of bed? Watch this…

*Garfield starts clawing the bathroom door open*

Mommy and Tall Dude: GARFIELD!!! NO!!!

Garfield: *once inside* …and I do a little toilet paper shredding like this…..

*Mommy jumps out of bed, grabs the spray bottle, sprays Garfield, scruffs him, and throws him out of the bedroom. SLAM!*

Vito: Woof! Woof! Woof! Huh?! What just happened? *yaaaaaawn* Dammit Garfield!

Garfield: *sounding muffled behind the door* See! That’s how you get them out of bed…

Zed: …and get your ass sprayed and thrown out…

Vito: *sleepily* …and get your morning shower all at the same time…wow, you’re such a dork Garfield…

Garfield: hello? Can I come in now? Please??? *scratches at the door knob*

Mommy and Tall Dude: GARFIELD!!! NO!!!

Zed: Kid’s got a lot to learn… sigh*

Emergency

Vito: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!!! What the hell??!?!! AAHHH! I stepped on a bee and it stung me! MOMMY!!!

*mommy picks vito up rushes inside the house*

Vito: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!!!

Garfield: Huh? What’s going on?

Vito: My foot! It hurts! A fucking bee stung me!!!

Zed: That’s no fun. Don’t worry, tall dude’s getting the tweezers now.

*mommy holds Vito up as tall dude pulls out the stinger*

Vito: WAAAAHHH!!! Sonofabitch!!!!

Garfield: Hey tall dude, you got the stinger out? Let me see it!

* tall dude backs up and steps on Garfield’s tail*

Garfield: YEEOOWWWW!!! What the hell?!?!?! You just pulled off a clump of fur from my tail?!!!

Zed: That’s for being nosy. Now get out of the way, Garfield, unless you want to be trampled on.

Vito: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!!!

Zed: How are you feeling now, Vito?

Vito: Peachy, asshole! I just got stung by a bee and my foot is starting to swell, how do you think I feel?

Garfield: Whoa, Ms. Bitchy is in the house.

Zed: Sorry Vito, I’m just worried. Your leg’s twitching.

Vito: Coz it hurts like a bitch. *whimpering* Fuck Me! It’s itching so badly now!!! WAAAAHHH!!!

Garfield: Calm down, Vito. Hey Tall Dude, got Benadryl anywhere?

Zed: Oh good! That’ll help with the swelling and itching.

Garfield: Really? It helps with the swelling? I was thinking it could work as a sedative so Ms. Bitchy here doesn’t get too worked up.

Zed: *gives Garfield a disapproving look*

Garfield: What??! Hey, I just got a clump of fur traumatically yanked off my tail, and nobody is giving me attention!

Zed: Yeah, well you have more than enough to spare.

Garfield: *walks over to Vito* Hey dude, sorry, you okay? Tall dude’s getting you some good stuff. You’ll be sleeping like a princess in no time. You’ll be fine buddy. *gives Vito a nose kiss*

Vito: *whimpering*

Zed: He’s a trooper.

Road Trip

*Vito comes home from a West Virginia trip*

Garfield: Hey Veets! How is West-by-God-Virginia?

Vito: Not a beach vacation, that’s for sure.

Garfield: Someone’s in a shitty mood, why?

Vito: I didn’t get to go to the reunion.

Garfield: I didn’t know you were looking forward to going.

Vito: Beats getting locked in the bedroom the whole day. Granted, tall dude’s old man let me out when he was there.

Garfield: I’ve never met tall dude’s old man. How is he?

Vito: The people call him the Dog-Father. I’m the original Dog-Father!

Zed: *walks in the room* Sure, but now, you are the Fairy-Dog-Father.

Vito: Admit it, you missed me Zed.

Zed: Whatever you say, fairy-momma. I got the bed all to myself while you were away.

Garfield: Yeah, we missed tormenting you.

Vito: And I should be happy that you missed tormenting me? I guess any attention is better than no attention, but I may have to re-think on the tormenting part.

Garfield: So what did you get to do in WV?

Vito: Nothing really. Hung out with the cousins. We have some pretty large cousins in WV. This one humongous puppy kept on pestering me to play. I told her so many times that I did not want to play. She wouldn’t listen. I had to show her my bitchy side.

Zed: Oh, like when you bitch at me or Garfield for getting on the people bed with you?

Vito: My bed! Okay? No cat’s allowed on the bed.

Garfield: Yeah, only for “pussy’s” like you! Bwahahaha!!!

Vito: *glares at Garfield*

Garfield: By the way, why do you hate Flo? That chick in the Progressive commercials? You bitch and bark every single time her commercial comes on.

Vito: She has got to be the most annoying face and voice ever!!!

Zed: Did someone say chicken? I like chicken! Where’s the chicken?

Garfield: I said “chick”, not chicken… as in a girl…

Vito: Speaking of chicken, I got scolded on the trip home for taking one of tall dude’s chicken nuggets. They are so mean! They won’t share!

Garfield: I wouldn’t share with you either.

Vito: So, I was sitting shotgun with mommy, and she put the snack box in the middle console. I thought she put it out there for sharing. So I stuck my nose in the box and took a chicken nugget.

Zed: Yummy! Any more chicken left?

Vito: Oh, I was on to that nugget before they could take it away...yummy. I asked for some fries, but they won’t give me any. Selfishness!!

Garfield: Rude, I say. To YOU, not them.

Vito: Whatever. Man, that trip wore me out. I think I'm going to get some sleep. *walks to the bedroom*

Garfield: Hey Zed, Veets is back. We should give him that double-pounce-and-smack-routine we've been practicing over the weekend. *does a flip and roll* Why does he get to go on trips?

Zed: Remember, you're a wimp when it comes to car rides? That's a 4-hour long drive!!! You'd be a freaking basket case within the hour. But the more important question: are there any more chicken nuggets?

Garfield: *rolls his eyes at zed* I think I'll mess with the Princess while he sleeps, bwahahah...

Movie Entertainment

Vito: Yey! Movie time! *cuddles between mommy and tall dude on the couch*

Zed: *stretches on couch* This looks like a good vantage point to watch the movie. What are we watching anyway?

Garfield: Death Race…awesome! *settles under the coffee table*

Vito: SSshhhh… it’s starting…

Zed: Hey Vito, pass me the chips, will ya?

Vito: Come and get it yourself.

Zed: Fine! *walks over and sniffs chip basket* What? No guacamole?! I’ll pass.

*Stage 1 of Death Race scene playing*:

Garfield: Hell Yeah! Did you see what he did??!! That’s how you do it!! *dashes from under the couch and runs across the room, ass sliding as he turns around, and runs back towards the couch, jumps, uses Zed as springboard before soaring over the heads of mommy and tall dude and landing on the ledge*

Garfield: BOO-YEAH!!

Zed: Yeeeooowww!!! What the F*ck! *and tries to jump after Garfield but missed the ledge *

Zed: *thud* Ouch! Mother-F*cker! Damn it Garfield, I think you broke my rib when you jumped on me!

Garfield: Did you see that!! Man! He’s awesome! That’s like a bad-ass Nascar! *yells at the tv* WATCH OUT!!! BEHIND YOU, HE’S SHOOTING!!!

Vito: STOP IT GARFUNGUS!! QUIET!!! *woof woof woof woof*

*mommy gets annoyed and smacks Vito*

Vito: But mommy, I was just trying to keep them from being idiots…*pouts*

Garfield: Wicked! That dude is so dead and so out of the race…hehehe.

Zed: Get down from that ledge and you can be that dead guy from the crash.

Garfield: *Jumps off the ledge and races up the stairs* Catch me first! I’m Frankenstein!

Zed: More like Franken-DEAD! *runs after Garfield*

Garfield: Fat ass can’t keep up with me!

Zed: Watch me kiddo…

*Zed catches up with Garfield in the kitchen*

*KEERRR-AASSSHHH* THUD*

Garfield: Yeeeooowwlll!

Zed: That’ll teach ya, kiddo.. hmph… *comes back and settles on his place on the couch* So, what happened while I was taking care of idiot business?

Vito: Where’s Garfield?

Garfield: Here…*glumly walks back under the coffee table, pawing at his ear*

Vito: What happened to your ear?

Garfield: Fatty there turned Mike Tyson on me. *gives Zed a hateful look*

Zed: I figured you want to be like the lead in the film so I do you a favor. I thought he had his ears pierced. Ooppss, my bad?

Vito: BWAAHAHAHHAHA! *mommy smacks Vito again* Why’d you hit me again? That was funny??!!

*..and everyone settles to watch the movie again...until the next race scene…*

Music Lessons

Garfield: What have we here?

Vito: Mommy calls it a guitar. Don’t touch it! It makes a loud noise that hurts my ears.

Zed: A what?

Garfield: Hmmm….I like the case it came in. Perfect sleeping place.

Zed: Smells very woody. It has whiskers too. (*starts to touch the string*)

TWAAAANNNGGGG!!!!! (*and all the animals scurry away*)

Vito: Eeeeeekk! I mean Woof! Woof!

Garfield: Cooooooool! Do that again Zed!

Zed: Like this?

TWAAAANNNGGGG!!!!!

Garfield: Neat! Lemme do it too!

Vito: Fine! Mommy’s not going to like it that you’re messing with her thing. I’m getting out of here.

TWAAAANNNGGGG!!!!! TWIIIIIINNNGGG!!!

Zed: Aaaaawsooooomnessss!!!

Garfield: (*looks questioningly at Zed*) Since when did you start saying things like ‘awesomeness’?

Zed: Shut up…

Garfield: Ey Zed, step on the whiskers while I pick at the other end.

TWIIIIIIINNNNGGG – TWOOOOOIIIINNNNGGG – TWAAAANNNGGGG

Zed: (*a lop-sided smile appearing on his face*) I think I know how this works. I heard this song awhile ago…(*sch-ing* unsheathes his claws and starts plucking the intro of Stairway to Heaven*)

Garfield: Oooohhh… Man, you...are...a...God…(*eyes round and wide, sitting still and watching Zed play*)

Garfield is....Agent "G"

(***theme song from Mission Impossible playing in the background.***)

This is Agent G to homebase. I have arrived at the location where the package was last seen. There are no signs of anybody patrolling the vicinity. I am going in. Do you copy, homebase?

Wait! I see a woman! But negative of any other human around. She has her back to me; I think I can get past her without me being seen.

Package is in sight. I repeat, package is in sight The woman doesn’t seem to be aware of its presence. I have a straight shot to it. This is going to be a quick job.

Dammit! The woman has activated some sort of cloaking device. I don’t see the package anymore!!! Don’t send for backup yet, homebase. I see a breach in the invisible field. I can squeeze through it and still complete the mission. Here goes...

I’m in. I have secured the package and getting ready to blow this joint, homebase. I don’t see the woman; I think she has become invisible too.

AAAHHH!!! Nooooo!!! Homebase! I can’t move! They’ve bound me and I’m being lifted! They have not yet discovered that I have the package with me. Nooooo!!! I will not fail this mission! I’m so close!

I’m falling! Aaaahhhh……!!!

(*thud*) Ouch…. I’m alive! And I still have the package! Homebase, package retrieved! Mission successful. I’m heading back there now.

=====

The other side of the story:

Mommy was getting ready to change the bed sheets when Garfield decided to creep onto the bed and under the sheets. So she picked him up, cat and sheets in a bundle, and dumped him on the floor. She was surprised when she saw Garfield emerge with Vito’s binky (serious, Vito has one of those rubber pacifiers) and dash out of the room.

When Tall Dude Calls

Tall Dude: Come here Vito!!!

Vito: I'm here daddy! What are we doing? Oh! Oh! Are we gonna play? Are you taking me out? Belly rubs! You're going to give me belly rubs, right?! I'm here daddy!

===

Tall Dude: Come here Zed!!!

Zed: Alright! Food! I'm coming!!! Huh?! I thought you said food? Where's the food?! You suck man, why would you call me and not have any food? Hmm.. are you hiding it? Where is it? Come on, give it to me... please?!

===

Tall Dude: Come here Garfield!!!

Garfield: FYI, I'm here not because you called me, but because I was on my way here anyway. Okay, nothing interesting, I'm outta here.

===

Tall Dude: Come here Mommy!!!

Mommy: Yeah right...

Tales from the Furside 9: The OutSide

(If my furkids could talk, what would they be talking about?)


Vito: What's wrong Garfee? You look like you've seen God or something...

Garfield: (*with awe in his face*)..I have been to the...OUTSIDE...

Zed: (*rolls his eyes and starts cleaning himself*)

Vito: How'd you manage that? You're supposed to be indoors only?

Garfield: It was very dangerous, but I persisted.

Vito: (*eyes wide*) Did you get hurt?

Garfield: (*in a hushed tone*) It was...so...much...clearer! The sky was so bright and blue! The wind on my whiskers tickled, and I could smell so much more different scents! Scents that I have no idea what they are that I want to go and track it!

Zed: That's poo you were smelling...

Vito: But how did you manage to get out?

Garfield: I had been planning this for a while now. And everything was just perfect that I had to proceed with my plan, AND I SUCCEEDED!!! HA-HA! (*jumps up on the table and puffs his tail triumphantly*)

Vito: Wow!!!

Zed: You are such a dork Garfield! I saw the woman pick you up and CARRY you outside! You should have seen yourself...I thought you were gonna piss right there and then...You were terrified dude! Your claws were digging into her shirt.

Vito: (*Scowls at Garfield*)

Zed: Yeah, he was latched and frozen onto her.

Garfield: Whatever... I still experienced the outside. (*lays down smugly*)

Zed: Talk about experiencing it, I was by myself, alone, starving, searching for shelter, fighting for my life in the Outside.

Garfield: Looked like you would have been good for a whole year without food with that belly of yours... lots of fat stored in there... great survival tip.

(*How a cat was able to flip the bird, I don't know, but Zed did it to Garfield. Must be his extra thumb*)

Zed: The night they rescued me, I was so hungry and tracking this field mouse. It was disgusting, but I knew I had to eat. I had been perched on a tree, watching it come and go from its hole.

Garfield: Hmph, must not have been a real tree, probably a stump or bush. You couldn't have carried your big butt up that high.

Vito: Shut up Garfield, this is an interesting story!!!

Zed: I quietly climbed down, and waited behind a bush, waiting for it to come back so I can make my kill.

Vito: ooohhhh....

Zed: And there it was, scurrying back, and I POUNCED! With extra thumbs, he had no chance of escape. And just as I was ready to take my bite, even though bile was rising up my throat, the night went really bright! I froze and then felt a noose around my neck. I fought and scratched and hissed back, but they were able to restrain me and they took me. Later I found out the bright lights were big flashlights; I thought I was being abducted by aliens.

Vito: Wow!!!

Garfield: eh...(*pretending not to be impressed*)

Zed: Now that's not just experiencing, but living in the Outside. Dude, you poop in a box; the whole world was my bathroom, hehehe.

Vito: The whole yard is my bathroom! I get to run and play outside everyday. And Garfee is all locked up in here, awww...

Garfield: Whatever...

Zed: Kid, I tell you, the freedom was wonderful, but I'd take comfort over that anytime. (*goes to Vito’s bed, lays back and stretches*)

Vito: That's my bed! Get out! (*nudges zed off the bed*)

Garfield: (*gets up on the cat perch and stares out the window, wistfully*) Whatever... I still experienced the outside...


***http://furside.blogspot.com/***

Tales from the Furside 8: Treat Time

Vito: I’m hungry.

Garfield: You’re always hungry.

Vito: Where’s daddy? Good! He’s not here. Where’s mommy? A-ha!

Zed: (*rolls eyes*) I know what you’re up to.

Vito: But I’ve got the munchies! Daddy doesn't fall for this shit.

Garfield: You’ve got a whole bowl of kibble!

Vito: (*stands by the door and barks*) MOMMY!!! I gotta pee!!!

Zed: Don’t believe him, woman. He’s faking it.

(*Mommy gets the leash and takes Vito out*)

Garfield: He is such a liar! (*Jumps up on the kitchen counter and looks out the window*) I see him. He’s sniffing around…slowly walking to his pee spots…yup! Raises his leg…DUDE!!! YOU CAN’T CALL THAT PEEING IF IT’S ONLY THREE DROPS! (*yells at the window*)

Zed: You count the drops? WTF?

Garfield: Shut up. I call it observant.

Zed: I don’t know why she always falls for that.

Garfield: Probably because she’s afraid Vito will pee in the house. That whiny furbag peed on our scratch post the other day!

Zed: Yeah and I smacked his ass for it.

Garfield: Okay, they’re coming back in.

Vito: (*ecstatic*) Do I get a treat? Do I get a treat, mommy? Do I?

(*Mommy goes back to playing on her laptop*)

Vito: Mommy!!! I peed! I told you! You always give me a treat! (*makes choking barking sounds*)

Zed: He’s tricking you, woman. Don’t listen to him.

*Mommy gets up and opens the treat cabinet*

Vito: HA! I get a treat! Woohoo!

Zed: While you’re at it, ‘mommy’, I’d like some treats too. You’re the bestest mommy ever. (*purrs and rubs against mommy’s leg*)

Garfield: Such a kiss-ass! ugh! (*shakes tail at Zed*)