My Bed

Vito: Uhm.. Zed… can you get out of my bed please?

Zed: No.

Vito: But, I’m really tired…

Zed: No. You can sleep on the floor mat.

Vito: But the mat stinks like feet.

Zed: Too bad. (*stretches and lays on his back*)

Vito: You have other places to sleep, the chair, the cat tree, the couch. (*whining now*)

Zed: I feel like resting here.

Vito: But I’m asking nicely.

Zed: Yes, you asked very nicely. Good doggie.

Vito: (*looks to Garfield*) Garfield, can you ask Zed to go find another place to rest in.

Garfield: Oh now you need my help, when you keep on running me out of the bedroom.

Vito: Please guys, that’s my bed! You can get up on pretty much anywhere!

Zed: Yes, but this is my bed TODAY.

Vito: I’m telling mommy.

Zed: (*sch-ing* unsheathes his claws*) You won’t dare.

Vito: Watch! MOM!!! ZED WON’T GET OUT OF MY BED!!!

Garfield: Oh, you’re dead, Vito.

Zed: *ggrrrrr*

(Mommy picks Zed off the bed)

Zed: PUT ME DOWN WOMAN!!!! (*gets dropped on the floor mat*)

Vito: Whoopee!!! My bed, my bed… hehehehe

Zed: You’re safe now since your mommy is in the house. Wait until she goes back to work. (*gives Vito a scorching look*)

Vito: PPffttt…when she’s at work, she gates off the kitchen where I stay. And you can’t scale the gate coz you’re too fat!!! Ppfffttt….

Garfield: He’s got a point Zed.

Zed: Oh f*ck off! (*stomps outs of the living room and down to the basement*)

Tales from the Fur Side 6: Puppy Prozac

Cast of Characters
Vito - 3 year old male pomeranian
Garfield - 1 year old orange tabby
Zed - 3 year old (we guess) black and gray tabby


Vito: duuuuuuuude....i loooooooove youuuuu...

Garfield: hey zed, you know vito is telling his bed he loves it, right??? wtf?

Zed: i heard they gave him puppy prozac.

Garfield: No way!!!

Vito: Heeeeyyy Gaaaaaaarfield! come here you fuzzy wuzzy youuuuuuuu...

Garfield: okay princess, just stay on your bed! good bo*.. uhm, pomeranian.

Zed: Our persons' vet thinks he's suffering from anxiety, and the prozac is supposed to calm him down.

Garfield: Sure! and make a weird dog even more weird. are you sure he won't go psycho on us while our persons are away? (*watches while Vito licks the air*)

Vito: ZEEEEEEDDD!!!! ooohhh myyyyy gosssshhhhh.... aren't the lights are reaaaalllllyyyy preeeetttyyyyyy???

Zed: nah, he'll be fine. he'll be sleeping more. (*streches*)

Garfield: This is way cool! hey Zed, psstt.. so, where are the pills? (*evil look in his eyes*)

Morning Field Trip

Vito: We're back!!!

Zed: Ey! What's up with leaving me all alone in the house?

Garfield: Believe me, you didn't miss much. I should say, you're lucky you didn't go. Man I hate going for rides. Fairy dog here on the other hand was giggling the whole time.

Zed: Vito, you smell like a french whore. Where'd you guys go?

Garfield: I think it was called "Hell".

Vito: I was at the spa! It's the conditioner. Feel my fur, it's so soft!

Garfield: Yeah, we had to pick him up from the groomers on our way to "Hell". I kept yelling at the two humans that I was getting really car-sick, but they didn't pay attention to me. Tall Dude even had the nerve to shush me and tell me I was okay. Let's see if he can still say OKAY after I put them both in the trunk in a cramped crate and drive the back roads with twists and turns. (*grumbles something inaudible*)

Zed: You can't drive.

Garfield: Screw you!

Vito: Ugh! There was this bitch at the clinic and she kept trying to kiss me. Eeeww, I didn't want to get her drool on me especially after getting a spa treatment.

Garfield: Dude, she was practically throwing herself at you and you dissed her!

Vito: She's not my type!

Zed: (*snickers*) I think we have a good idea what "type" you like, hehehe.

Garfield: Man, I need to go rest for a little bit.

Zed: Why? What'd they do to you at the clinic?

Garfield: Again, it's called Hell, okay? Let's just say, being around other big species of the barking type, getting a thermometer shoved up your ass, jabbing a needle on both sides of your stomach, getting fondled by another human and calling it a "check-up", was not my idea of a field trip.

Zed: Ooohh, yeah, those visits are not fun.

Garfield: Shit, I feel like Hell now. Oh, by the way, they were talking about putting us on some new diet food. They said you're a fat-ass.

Zed: What?!! I am not fat! It’s all muscles!!!

Vito: Zed, when you start having trouble getting through the banisters, you are fat.

Zed: F*ck. I gotta start hoarding kibble then....

Greetings

Vito: Woof! Woof! Mommy and Daddy's home!

Garfield: *Looks out the window* Yep, they're here.

Vito: She's here! I gotta pee, I gotta pee!!!

Zed: Sweet!

(Pia and Tony come home from work and walk through door)

Zed: *Looks at Tony* Hey man, gotta show you something... Come on, follow me.

Vito: MOMMY!!! I gotta pee so BAD!!!

Garfield: 'Sup dudes?

Zed: Seriously man, I need your attention, come look at this.

Vito: MOMMY!!! I MISSED YOU!!! I GOTTA PEE SO BAD!!!

Garfield: What you got in your purse, mom? Got anything for me? Oh look, something shiny!

Zed: C'mon man! This is serious! My food bowl's empty! Look! LOOK!!!

Vito: DADDY!!! I NEED TO GO PEE! PLEASE TAKE ME OUT!!!

Zed: How do you want me to say this? Okay tall dude: Bowl, empty. Me, Hungry. It's that simple! What do you not get??? FEED ME!!!

Vito: uh-oh.. mommy, I piddled.. sorry, I couldn't hold it...

Garfield: Got it! Ey Zed, I got her keys, where should I hide it?

Zed: Up your ass, I don't care... WILL SOMEBODY FEED ME?! PLEASE?! What's a cat got to do to get fed around here? Dammit!

Kitty Next Door

(*Loud crash in the family room*)

Zed: Huh?

Vito: Yikes!

Garfield: Oh shit man!

Zed: Great Garfield, that lampshade was supposed to be one a kind…

Garfield: Oh shit! Oh shit! What do I do?!!

Zed: What can you do? Glue it together? There’s like a million pieces of it!

Vito: What’s going on down there?

Garfield: Man that sucks! They wouldn’t know it was me, right?

Zed: Don’t count on it; you’re the only one who climbs up on that ledge. What were you doing up there anyway? You’re always looking out the window...

Garfield: See, there’s this really hot puss… err… she-cat, I mean…I sometimes see her walk past this window. (*pointing to the window beside where the broken lamp used to be*)

Zed: Ahhh... You know you would never get to meet her…

Garfield: She looked my way once. She knows I’m here. Sometimes, she would rest out there where I can see her sunbathing, then she would clean herself. Oh my god, she’s really hot. Her fur looks so clean and soft… (*sigh*)

Vito: What are you guys talking about down there?

Garfield: So, I’m waiting for the next time she walks by and I’m gonna stretch out for her, let her see how big I am and how long and fluffy my tail is. Maybe she’ll come closer to the window.

Zed: Yeah? And what are you gonna do? She can’t hear you behind the window. Do you know sign language for cats? Hahahah!

Vito: Who are you guys talking about down there?

Zed: (*Yells to Vito*) Garfield has a girlfriend who doesn’t know she’s his girlfriend! Now go back to sleep!!!

Garfield: (*Jumps back on the ledge*) Oh! Oh! I see her! She’s coming closer! Yeah hot momma, come my way…See this orange furball of love? See my big, fluf…..(*misses the ledge while stretching and falls off*).. Yyeeeeooooowwwwpppsss!! (*thud*)

Zed: BWHAHAHAHAHA!!! HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE!!! Way to go Mr. Big Furball Missed The Ledge And Landed On His Ass… hahahahah!!!

Garfield: Shut up!!!

Zed: (*wheezing*) Okay, hehehe.. So, have you figured out what you’re gonna do with the broken lampshade?

Garfield: Oh shit.. find me some glue, stinky butt….

Midnight Munchies

Zed: *snore* ZZZZzzzzzzzz….

Garfield: hey, psst… zedo!

Zed: *sngork* ZZZzzzzzz…

Garfield: Zed! ZED!

Zed: *nyum-nyum-nyum* ZZZZzzzz…

Garfield: ZED!!!! *pounces on Zed’s tail*

Zed: Yeeeooowwwllll!! What the f*ck!!!

Garfield: I’m hungry.

Zed: What??? You want to eat my tail???!!

Garfield: Dumbass...

Zed: Oh… Let’s wake them up then. I can always have a midnight snack.

Garfield: The door’s closed. I tried to reach the doorknob, but I can’t turn it. I tried scaling the doorjamb, but I keep on sliding.

Zed: Have you tried yelling for them?

Garfield: Yeah, still no answer. And why in the hell is Vito sleeping in there with them? Is he some kind of favorite?

Zed: He sleeps in a crate - a tiny space. Be grateful you have the rest of the house.

Garfield: Oh. So, I’m still hungry. C’mon, I know where she keeps the canned stuff.

Zed: Right there in the drawer.

Garfield: Follow me.

Zed: *stretch* Nyum-nyum-nyum..

Garfield: *Grabs the edge of the drawer with his nails and pulls* BAM!!!

Zed: Ssshhhh!!!

Garfield: Sorry, it slipped. *grabs harder on the edge of the drawer and pulls*

Zed: Sweeeet…

Garfield: Here catch! *hooks a claw under the tab of the cat food and throws it at Zed*

Zed: But it’s not open yet.

Garfield: Of course dumbass!! You have the six toes, now make use of them!

Zed: arrgghhh!!! It’s gonna rip my nail off…

Garfield: So now, are you like Vito, a sissy? Oh my nails! Oh my nails!

Zed: AAarrgghhh!!! *huff* It won’t budge.

Garfield: Give me that! *slaps the can around* Open! You good for nothing piece of shit! Give me my food!!! Waaaaaahhh!!!

Zed: Hehehehe… now who’s a sissy, cry-baby?

Garfield: You know I can beat your big fat furry stinky ass, come here!!!

Zed: Yeeeoowwwlll!!!!

(And that’s how I found a can of cat food on the floor the next morning, with the cabinet drawers open.)

Suprise!!!

Setting:

Garfield comes home from the vet after getting neutered.

=====

Garfield: (*blink * blink* yawn*) Huh.. what happened?

Zed: Are you okay kiddo?

Garfield: Yeah, i feel groggy, dude...

Zed: Wait till you try to take a piss.

Garfield: Dude, my balls hurt like hell... AAHHH!!! WTF!!! WHERE ARE THEY!!!! M*ther F*cker, WHO DID THIS TO ME!!!!

Zed: (*walks over to the kibble bowl*) You'll be fine kiddo, just take it easy for a few days.

Vito: (*bounding down the stairs*) Yey! Garfield's back! I missed you buddy! (*gives garfield kisses*) What's wrong? Why do you smell funny? You're walking funny too... (*gasp*) They chopped your nuts off!!!

Garfield: Get away from me!

Vito: Sorry, honey, I didn't know. I give you more kisses and you'll feel better.

Garfield: I said, GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!!!

Zed: Hey, calm down. Mine were removed not too long ago, and I'm fine now. Give it a couple of days, just sleep and rest. Don't worry, it won't make you less of a tom.

Garfield: Oh yes it will!! OMG! it hurts so bad...(*shaking*)

Vito: Oh, I remember when they did it to me, I was so out of it, I almost fell over while peeing, but mommy and daddy took care of me.

Garfield: That tall dude! He was the one who tricked me into getting in that damn crate!!! He said we were only going for a ride.

Vito: I like rides!!! He's a nice daddy. He'll give you treats and belly rubs, mmm.. i like belly rubs... you know what else I like...

Zed: Shut up, Vito!

Vito: fine, fine, i'll shut up now...

Garfield: (*licks himself*) This hurts both my groin and my ego. That tall dude probably doesn't understand how it is to lose one's nuts.

Vito: He does, because I think mommy has them.